Rusty and Tarnished

The Dude. With one of my fav beverages

How things been goin'?
Ahh, you know. Strikes and gutters, ups and downs.

The moral of this Big Lebowski movie quote is that ya gotta just roll with what life serves ya. Get it, bowling movie … roll!? Ugh. Terrible pun, I know. And I am not following that advice how I wish I could.  A little rusty and tarnished by emotions and time away from the keyboard … but let's give this a shot.

We're about 4 weeks out from surgery and I haven't been in touch much. I've been thinking of writing more. I've been composing blog entries in my head. Always a sign I need to write. Having people live with us is such a god send to this family. They've all done a remarkable job of sitting on me and loving this family in our alternate reality we are swimming in. I haven't felt like there has been time to write tho. I am not entertaining the care givers but I am not ignoring them either. Just been occupied. The house is quieting down a little with school starting last week. However my last excuse for not writing is that I've been at a loss where to jump back in. I feel like I owe ya'll a little recap of the odyssey. Scratch that. I owe myself a record to look back on.

Noticed recently I still have some tape adhesive in odd spots. I just have to scrub harder. As in, where they tape xyz tubes or iv's down to your arms, body trunk or what have you spot, left overs. I just didn't notice before. Oh please, thats not even the tip of the ice burg of the gross stuff.  You want gross? We got a couple good pics to share. But I think some folks will need to avert their eyes for I shall continue to bring my realness, which is too brash for some.

Heard from more than a few that find it remarkable that I am up and walking around and look good. I am glad for those comments from you.  I go for walks twice a day. I am not olympic speed walking of course but we have made it to target, the mall or the biggest yet excursion last week was ikea. And you know - well, you probably don't - there was no way on the planet not to walk my son to his first day of second grade. It's only 4 blocks people. Calm down. I do appreciate your surprise, dismay or caution warning flags. Its a good balance b/c my care team @ Penn … they are pretty … unimpressed. I thought taking it slow and managing my pain was the name of the game. They are keen to … let's say ... push forward motion. In general tho, that 2 week appt went swimmingly well and I am on track overall. Next up is the month visit on the 25th where both cardiology and surgical team looks inside and out.

All that said, not feeling like I've accomplished too much which logically, I know is ludicrous. I just am starting to hit a little bit of recovery wall where I am seemingly not getting better. I say this b/c my sternum still hurts and fearing its not healing correctly. There are clicks and clacks (bones or ??) very innocently when I try to move a certain way and you body sends a stabbing pain that makes you literally yelp out loud. When the hell is that over? (I just tried to look up another word for stabbing. That word is not good enough.) I am in stuck in a hurry up and wait phase i.e. sit here, rest, heal, repeat. I don't want this phase. I just want this aching to go away and every day - yes every - there is new pain or ache or pulled muscle. You try not fluffing your child's blanket in the middle of the night when you are up sleepless and check in and there isn't a blanket on him. In the moment it might be a small twinge or maybe you'll feel nothing except instincts.

Sleeping. Ay crumba. Sleep has been a fickle bitch. Up multiple times a night. Sometimes go to the couch out of desperation. When I wake up, I am very achy, sore, painful when I wake up b/c I am "resting" in an odd (any?) position. Literally frozen in place for a moment until I can figure out how to maneuver. My handsome husband or other saintly care giver brings me a cup of coffee and a pain pill. Ah, the breakfast of champions. But I digress ...

Just like they told me, recovery will be 2 steps forward, 1 step back. I hate the 2 step. This is just all bullshit normal recovery stuff.  I am getting upset that I am not "remarkably better" by week 4 of the 4-6 window they gave me. (We are rounding first base into 5th week, technically.) And sometimes it takes the full 3 month. Better not.  So in summary, ya'll knew this this type of whoa-is-me post was coming. A) I've earned it and B) It is fleeting and I don't see it repeating itself. So don't concern yourselves. I just had to get it out of my system. I am still fierce, somewhere in here. I got this. I know it. Because you told me so. Talk soon chitlins.